Focus: Discipline

Wow...it's been quite some time since I last posted on this site. I've been so busy and I'm sure that this post will mostly be for myself because any following that I had is probably lost after such a long recess.

It is about a month into my summer. I have been working in the community service department at ECSU 8:30-5 every day. I have been enjoying the weather; getting outside and playing ball with some summer students, traveling to Martha's vineyard, occasionally meeting up with friends I haven't seen in a while, and reading. Each of the above mentioned could probably each have it's own post...but let's face it, blogging has certainly not been a habit of mine lately so we'll be fortunate if this paragraph even gets finished. As I write, I hope to sift through some of the less important things and figure out where I'm at.

Martha's vineyard was an absolutely astounding place. I had spoken with a good friend of mine (who also happens to be my pastor), who has traveled there since he was a kid and told me I was in for a treat. Check out the picture below. This was BEFORE I even got to the island.


Beautiful eh? There's nothing really like being on (or near) the ocean at sunset. Needless to say, the rest of the trip was scenic and will remain imprinted as one of the most outstanding vacation places I've been.

One of the difficult things about this summer has been my job. Okay, okay, I know that I'm not overworked and don't really have deadlines and various stresses that may come with a job, however, I have noticed an inkling of misdirection. I have been so caught up in business and management lingo and trying to devise the latest and greatest ideas (which isn't a bad thing), that I have buried my spiritual disciplines (which is a bad thing). I have pushed my thirst for knowledge and my desire for a closeness with God to the back of the line. Precision, perfection, professionalism, ideaism, and progression have clouded my view. These things in themselves are not bad; it's when I lose my passion for kingdom advancement, my deep love for people, my efforts in leadership, that those qualities become distractions and lead to arrogance or some forms of disparity. My compulsion to act on my impulses forces some of my spiritual foundational elements into the closet for a more convenient time.

We've all done it, and I am not saying that as an excuse. I am only saying it because I'm not about to go beat myself up for it. I have learned a good amount in the past month- but I am not where I am supposed to be.

I had an opportunity to meet with a great friend of mine today for coffee and sushi. (I never liked sushi, but I have been convinced otherwise. I had a spicy salmon roll and cannot wait to go back and try it again.) We meet on occasion, but she is the type of friend that when you meet, you walk away encouraged and ready to set the world on fire- in a good way. So we talked about our summer goals which covered everything from relational goals to health goals to spiritual goals and so forth. One of the topics we hovered around for a few minutes was the idea of our calling to be a disciplined people (speaking on behalf of Christians). In so many areas of our life we are called to be self-controlled, responsible, and disciplined.

This is not an easy one for me. And judging by the conversations I've had with other people... there is a large group of us who don't read God's word daily and pray daily and fast and do missions and... you see where I'm going with this. There is a group of us who are "Christians" (which, by the way, means "Follower of Christ" for those of us in Christianity 101) who don't really "follow". We hem and haw at ideas of the things we should do. We appreciate it when a friend of ours tries to read the bible in a year. But, it's not for us. We'd rather look at a Psalm that sounds nice or that strikes a chord in our heart than study the bible. Maybe if we looked in depth at the bible and what it says and DID what it says, we would be a little more on cue... just a thought...

I am going to read the bible daily. I am going to pray daily. I am going to be intentional about it. I am going to talk about it. I am going to engage my lifestyle of following Christ and not let it idle. I'm not going to go parade around with a Jesus t-shirt. I'm talking about the dirty work. The avoided path of digging into ancient words and digging into myself and submitting myself and being humbled and loving and being wise and learning. We are called to be a disciplined people. Why wouldn't we answer that call with a "yes"?

I am on my way out of a point in my life where I would get frustrated with God and my relationship with him and would wonder why I couldn't see where I was going. Why I couldn't lead the way I wanted to lead because of that cloudiness. Why I seemed to be at a standstill. And while reading through Courageous Leadership by Bill Hybels, I came across this text early on:

• Have you yielded yourself fully to God?
• Have you asked God to unveil his vision for your life, or are you asking him to bless a plan that you've already come up with? We must come to God with empty ahnds and an open heart and ask, "What is your vision for my life?"
• Have you fasted?
• Have you prayed?
• Have you been quiet and waited on God in solitude?
• Have you cleaned up sinful patterns in your life?
• Have you weeded out the distractions and ambient noise that would keep you from hearing what God is trying to say to you?
• Have you read avidly? Have you traveled widely? Have you visited a variety of ministries around the world? Have you exposed yourself to the kaleidoscope of visions that God has given to others so that you can be inspired by the variety of options? If not, get out there! See what God is doing!
  

I would say he pretty much hit a nerve when I read that list. I pop open my bible for a few minutes and hope that if I do that enough I will build credit that I can cash in for a glimpse to a vision or a little encouragement or a little fire.

Discipline, ladies and gentlemen, is something that we lack in general. Not in just a spiritual sense...but all around. With our finances, with our time, with our relationships even. We take things for granted, we don't manage them, we aren't wise with them...and we wonder why we seem disconnected! We can get into quite a tangled mess when we do not exercise discipline. It is certainly something I have been made conscious of and now I will act on it. It can be both deeply spiritual and severely practical. Diet. Money. Time. Health. People. Spiritual Practices. Work. School.

Well, I hope that maybe this is a compelling though and at the least makes you examine some of the areas of your life that could use a little shaping up. I would love to hear success stories of what happens when we implement a little more discipline into our lives.

And God said, "Nate, shut up. I'm still here."

I have a little story for you:

I woke up today in a foul mood. No reason. I just woke up and didn't feel that great. I just had this feeling like I haven't been doing what I need to be doing, or I haven't been living the way I need to be be living. I knew deep down that even though there might be partial truth to these feelings because we're imperfect beings, there was no real basis to feel this way. Maybe I just haven't had enough sleep or maybe there was something else going on a little bit deeper in my heart.

As mentioned in my previous post, I've been struggling with overcoming some feelings towards my brothers and sisters. It's been an awkward and humbling process. I felt inclined to send a facebook message to one of the individuals who I may have excluded over this semester- so I sucked it up and started typing. It wasn't a really long message and it was pretty basic, just saying how I felt, apologizing for any issues in the past, and hoping for reconciliation and future prospects. I was relieved to see that in a short time I had a response and my message was well received. We agreed that we didn't see eye to eye on a lot of things, but that we were still family and could work together and care for each other. It was amazing.

So, to wake up and still feel burdened about the whole situation was irritating and caught me off balance because I thought it was on the mend. This is where I sometimes realize our emotions will overrule wisdom or our truth in the moment. To avoid giving in to the feelings, I knew I just had to stay in tune with God and know that whatever I was going through was merely meant to bring me down- so I went to the dining hall to continue my trek through "An Unstoppable Force" while listening to Hillsong. That helped a little. Hillsong's music is incredibly moving and reading Erwin McManus's thoughts on what drives a culture put some of these feelings to rest.

Toward the end of my reading session, Erwin quotes another author named Lawrence E. Harrison, "I believe the creative capacity of human beings is at the heart of the development process. What makes development happen is our ability to imagine, theorize, conceptualize, experiment, invent, articulate, organize, manage, solve problems, and do a hundred other things with our minds and hands that contribute to the progress of the individual and of humankind...the engine is human creative capacity."

We had been talking about this recently at People Helping People and I had been pondering it in relation to life in general as a Christian. We so often put limits on ourselves and on God...what would happen if we realized so many of these boundaries are internal and in turn we started getting rid of our chains, preconceptions, bias, fears, and boundaries? What if? Just something to think about... let that marinate. Chew on it.

To close this mildly irrelevant and random post off, a member from PHP showed up while I was finishing up breakfast and reading and we ended up talking for a good amount of time. I didn't really know him that well, but now I had an opportunity to get to know him. We small talked about school and hobbies and camping, and...after about 20 or so minutes I asked him to come to church, to which he said yes. There's another girl who will be coming for the first time tonight too...

So... waking up in a bad mood and almost letting it get the best of me and ruin my day gave me a great opportunity to hear God say, "Nate, shut up. I'm still here". To which I didn't respond because that would have missed the point. I just shut up and smiled as I was greeted by a gorgeous sunny day with green trees, a deep blue sky, and budding flowers and rejuvenated hope while I strolled back to my dorm room to tell you a little story.

"You weird me out man."

I've been having a tough time recently. I have really had no patience with a certain group of people and it comes up every couple days since I live on a small campus. Plainly stated, they are Christians who scare people off. I only know this because that's what people have told me. But...why am I so impatient with them? I don't get it...

They are Christians. They are my brothers and sisters. We are nothing alike. But they're still family. To be honest...they weird me out and make me uncomfortable with how pushy they are.

So...I know I need to be patient. I know I need to love. But, I just get angry with how they present themselves. This is something I've been struggling with, so any words of wisdom other than "love them and be patient" would be appreciated because this is getting under my skin... maybe some more practical advice?

3 States and Back Again...in One Night

Embers light my face as I take another drag from my clove. My eyes are glazed over and I stare straight ahead. Smoke dances around my face before it is drawn out the crack of my window. The yellow glow of my headlights don't go far into the darkness of a highway. My eyes shift to notice my gas gauge nearing the empty mark again. This stretch of highway doesn't look promising as my wheels continue spinning. Lyrics of love and destruction from the late night radio flood my ears as I try to push off the feeling of helplessness I am starting to feel aside. The last time I talked to someone on the phone, they said I was about 150 miles away- a good few hours. I had hung up, feeling my mind spin wondering how I could make it that far with 15 dollars. My cell battery was dying now, so I kept it on my seat strictly reserved for emergency calls.

This all started when I had traveled an hour and a half to a friends house. Once I had left her place around 9:45, I continued going the opposite direction of where I needed to go and had found myself lost in Pennsylvania around midnight. Once I had turned around to head home, I knew it was going to be a long somber ride. My wallet was thin and so was my bank account. My eyes were tired from peering in the dark trying to find a familiar sign with a city I recognized.

Montgomery. "Might at well be a sign for Alabama," I thought to myself.

Brake lights ahead. A line of 18 wheelers stopped for miles. I let my head fall back on my seat as I put the gears in park and turn off my lights. 1 a.m. If I had energy I probably could scream or cry or something...but I don't have any left. It's late and I want to be somewhere else.

I desperately wanted to just creep off the highway and pull the blanket out of my trunk and pretend that none of this was happening. I did not want to have to run out of gas and money in the dark hours of the morning nowhere near a familiar place. Turning the music up loud didn't help because it sucked. It reminded me of a crappy 80's music video from MTV where the band was wearing neon jumpsuits, gold chains, and had crazy chest hair.

Toll booth. You gotta be kidding. I have 10 dollars cash left...
Well, somehow I had a single dollar bill. I was able to pay for the privilege of driving on that damn highway.

Welcome to New York. I had left Pennsylvania.

Get some gas now...I'm running out. Pull of the exit, the 24 hours gas station is closed. My gas light is on. Get back on the highway. Hope there's another station soon. Put in a feeble 15 dollars. My debit card feels lighter. Gas light is satiated. Another hour- Welcome to Connecticut. Gas light. Pull off, put in my last 10 dollars. Cash. Signs for Hartford welcome me in.

It's ironic that earlier this day I was discussing with my friend how I really enjoyed driving just for the sake of driving. I didn't need a purpose. In retrospect I should have followed that up with- "but I do need a hefty amount of gas money."

I felt alone. I felt helpless and angry that I was under the control of money and there was no way out of it. I couldn't just make it appear. I was frustrated at the rate that my gas would dissipate and tease me as the gauge varied between hills and declines. I couldn't really laugh at myself. I was too worried I wouldn't make it back- and long story short: I did make it back...with just under an 8th in my gas tank and 5 dollars left in my account.

I woke up today with an automated voice mail on my still dying phone from Bank of America saying..."Call us, there has been unusual activity on your debit card..."

"No %^&*. Really?"

I deleted the message and fell back asleep.

Tension

It's really not difficult to get depressed about junk going on in the world; however, when something happens 15 feet away from your dorm window, you can't help but get angry and upset.

My roommate came in while I was watching a little TV with my friend. "Someone just got mugged." He lifted up our shades to reveal a few cops circling an area on a sidewalk that passes directly by my residence hall. They pointed their flashlights at the ground, at backpack that one of the offenders left behind before they retreated in their car. "I guess the kid was just walking down the sidewalk when they pulled up in a car. They took his phone while he was talking on it and took everything his stuff. He said they had a gun. The shuttle was coming up the street so they all got back in their car and ran off."

I peered out the window for a minute. 15 feet away. I was in the room while it happened. My roommate had just walked past there 30 minutes before, alone.

I hear random things like this on the news and it temporarily irritates me, but when it is RIGHT THERE...things take a different twist. How foolish do you really have to be to come and rob a college student only a few feet away from an occupied building? I have poured a lot of time into Willimantic with various volunteer initiatives. We hand out coffee on the weekends. I work on various projects with students that volunteer through People Helping People trying to reach out to the Willimantic community. I know that we shouldn't generalize, but damn it doesn't really build up trust as a connection between ECSU and Willimantic grows.

Yes. We will continue to serve. We will continue to go forth into the community boldly.

I am just taking my few moments of justified anger. There's no reason for actions like this. It is pathetic and cowardly. We try so hard in our lives as Christians to perpetuate peace in our communities, and then something like this happens feet away from your home. Honestly, it is just sad and makes me realize how much this world needs Christ's love. It reminds me how much Willimantic needs Christ's love. Take a moment to let out a prayer for our efforts over here.

I worked at a non-profit for a part of this semester, and my boss said "Willimantic is a small city with big city problems." After spending time looking over data during my internship, I realized how true this is- and the situation is just emphasized as people make foolish choices.

I'm not afraid to go outside. I'm just discouraged at the weakness of our society. Truly, change can only come about through the willingness of people's hearts and God moving in big ways.

Took a few minutes with my friend last night to jazz up my TOMS. I crawled out (yes, crawled, climbed, jumped) my dormroom window with Hillsong United pouring out as my friend and I swung the paint in swooping lines that covered the grass and our clothes. I love doing this kind of stuff. I don't know if I would necessarily call this art, but it is "artistic". I don't usually take the opportunity to work on "art" with paint as my medium, so this was a treat as I swung my arms back and forth with different colors spraying from the paint bottles. Usually my art outlet is photography or videography or mild random sketching in my notebooks, which really doesn't allow my hands and feet to get covered in random colors from fabric paint (sad face). If you want to try this, or think you can't because you are afraid of "ruining" your clothes...don't be. Painting, drawing, or designing on your clothes is not only fun- it can be very freeing...and stylish. You will definitely get a few comments if you're walking around town with a schnazzy new look to your blue jeans.

The Shirt

So yeah...this is pretty much the design we're working with to possibly market at Uconn and ECSU next semester. You get the first look!